Now her philosophy—the virtue
of selfishness—helps readers
chart a path to true love. _________________

"There is no other book on the market
[that I know of] that can compete with
the ideas presented here to help
you achieve a successful romantic life."

"..reading it I couldn't help but look back
on my past relationships and think 'I wish
I had this book then.'"

"Their comprehensive approach will likely draw new readers."

Maintaining that "the principle of self-sacrifice destroys relationships," [Locke and Kenner] invoke their own clinical experience to offer guidelines for developing self-esteem.... Acknowledging that relationships need work to thrive, the authors offer tips on resolving the inevitable conflicts of any relationship... their breezy style and comprehensive approach will likely draw new readers. (April 18, 2011)

"The authors explore the importance of self-love
in this concise text that breaks down
the method of seeking a 'soul mate'."

By Julia Ann Charpentier

Among the most popular self-help books on the market, guides to finding romance compete for shelf space in bookstores and libraries. The real problem begins when determining whether the process is an act of giving, a process of receiving, or an elusive mist we must chase. Complicating the matter further is the legal and financial transaction of marriage which, in itself, has not always been related to love throughout the course of Western civilization. Advisers who have attempted to bypass any mystery and magic, opting instead for a “realistic” approach in acquiring a lover, often fail to convince those clinging to the inexplicable concept of romantic passion.

The Selfish Path to Romance has arrived just in time for Valentine’s Day. Based on the Objectivist philosophy of Ayn Rand, this manual instructs the reader on how to build and preserve a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship with the romance equation boiled down to a point-by-point, easy-to-understand workbook, complete with intellectual exercises at the end of each chapter. The authors explore the importance of self- love in this concise text that breaks down the method of seeking a “soul mate.” They believe that achieving romance involves negotiation, as well as nurturing, between respectful individuals exhibiting self-esteem and commonsense.

Divided into six parts, this intriguing book begins by defining romantic love as a positive experience built on egoism (i.e., there must be something in it for both parties or it won’t work), but eliminates altruism and narcissism as stereotypically bad courses of action. Making yourself appealing to a potential mate is addressed at length, along with choosing an appropriate partner and making the correlation thrive. A section devoted exclusively to sex precedes the final segment on resolving conflict. Included is an appendix on the termination of a relationship in the event of irreconcilable differences.

True love, according to these experts, is not an accident, nor is it mystical. It is a rational interaction between two people that can be learned. (February 2011)

"Challenges the concepts of love and marriage many of us have been taught."

By Kiki Howell

I found this book to be very challenging in the sense that it not only challenges the concepts of love and marriage many of us have been taught, but it also challenges one to be a better person as well in order to build a new idea of a healthy relationship. I personally love self-help books with exercises, and this book did not disappoint. I like the practical application that the questions at the end of each chapter provided. So thought provoking, I felt the book would be applicable to a wide audience. Married people, happily or not, can obviously benefit. At the same time, I wished I would have had this book long before that special person came along. I believe it would prove invaluable for the single person to learn of themselves and of love before it comes along. Even as a romance writer, the book gave me new ways to contemplate the fictional relationships I create.

I was impressed by the amount of research apparent in this book. It made the knowledge shared sound. At the same time, it was easy to understand with a wealth of new information, not a recap of the old by a long shot! But, don’t get me wrong, while the book is easy to understand, it is not a light read. The ideas presented are in depth and make you analyze yourself in new ways. The easy to identify with couple examples given throughout the book further each point too. There is really just so much in this book, I wouldn’t know where to begin to summarize it! And, I won’t try. What I will do is encourage you to buy it!

The concepts are wonderful like finding a passion for life and finding harmony between reason and emotion. What stands out to me, having read it and looking back? Let me give you one example from early in the book, as I hate to give too much away. The authors took the idea of putting someone else above yourself and showed how this can lead to giving up your own values and loosing your identity. Mine statement is an over-simplification of all they taught here, but it was freeing and made such sense once you gave the idea a chance. In fact, they talked about becoming imprisoned by a ‘perfect’ life feeling a hypocrite and resenting those who rob you of all your time and energy. The authors instead radically speak of selfish, egotistical love where both partners know who they are and support each others goals and desires. I think my own marriage is an example of how this is true. As a book writer married to a song writer, we are both each other’s biggest fans. And, I know I would not be where I am today without the undying support of my husband for my work, and I hope I do the same for him.

Beyond that, many words and phrases stick out to me: secure, firm sense of identity, value yourself, introspection, being egotistic in picking a partner who is good for us, ever-changing emotions are allowed, trade and earned, finding oneself is important to a successful relationship, explore your values, genuine happiness as a productive and meaningful life with a partner, etc… One of my favorite lines is “Selfless people cannot have self-esteem, because they have no self to esteem.”

The back of this book says “A thought-provoking and objective guide to finding and nurturing rational relationships.” And, that is exactly what this book is. It gives you the tools, no matter how unconventional they may sound at first, to build a solid relationship, one that endures. Isn’t that what we all want? Personally, I consider myself lucky to have experienced ‘love at first sight’ (which the book calls ‘a first impression that proves accurate’) and married a man who has become my best friend. After 15 wonderful years of marriage and counting, I know we will both benefit from having this book, building upon what we have and thriving still in years to come. (February 14, 2011)

"The best guide to loving and being loved I have ever read and the only one I'd ever recommend."

By AV Flox

Recently, I picked up The Selfish Path to Romance, which sounds like a self-absorbed jerk’s dream come true, and, if I’m to be honest, that’s partly the reason I picked it up. (Surprisingly, not only is the book the furthest thing from what I imagined, it’s quite possibly the best guide to loving and being loved I have ever read and the only one that I’d ever recommend.)

One of the most compelling points made in the book is that of visibility. Essentially, the lover is a mirror, with the ability to reflect the qualities they cherish in you back to you.

“When a partner tells you what he or she appreciates about your character, in words (for example, giving you a warm, tender look and saying, ‘I love your warmth and sensuality’) or in actions (for example, responding to you emotionally, intellectually, and sexually), your partner provides you with a unique and priceless psychological mirror,” write Edwin A. Locke and Ellen Kenner. “This external perspective on your own character is more than deeply rewarding and motivating: it is irreplaceable.”

Wanting appreciation for who you are and needing approval to assuage self-doubt are different things. Visibility is about forging a bond and getting more intimate. But not all the flattery in the world can ever satisfy a heart mired by doubt. The concept of the mirror is essential to this end; in order for a mirror to work, you must have a self to mirror first.

That’s what the book means when they discuss selfishness. It’s not narcissism, the inability to see beyond a twisted grandiose self-image, but a constant self-assessment that puts one’s needs into perspective. The problem is a society that cannot make the distinction, thus fomenting a complete disregard for the things we need (which is seen as selfish) in favor of altruistic sacrifice (seen as goodness). The problem with sacrifice, the book posits, is that it results only in resentment, as though estranging ourselves from what we need in a partner and in life, will never help us achieve self-fulfillment.

“The code of sacrifice promises happiness by advocating a contradiction: the demand that one give up that which makes happiness possible,” write the authors:

[Selfless love] would have to mean that you derive no personal pleasure or happiness from the company and the existence of the person that you love, and that you are motivated only by the sacrificial pity of that person’s need of you. I don’t have to point out that no one would be flattered by, nor would accept a concept of that kind. Love is not self-sacrifice, but the most profound assertion of your own needs and values. It is for your own happiness that you need the person you love, and that is the greatest compliment, the greatest tribute, you can pay that person.

There is a balance that needs to be struck, one where self-reflection and courage are paramount. To have a relationship where your values are respected, you must first know what those values are and know how to tactfully defend them if they are threatened, but you must also know how to be a good partner also, and to do this, you work to maintain your relationship. (March 2, 2011)

Read the full review here.

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