Now her philosophy—the virtue
of selfishness—helps readers
chart a path to true love. _________________

"There is no other book on the market
[that I know of] that can compete with
the ideas presented here to help
you achieve a successful romantic life."

"..reading it I couldn't help but look back
on my past relationships and think 'I wish
I had this book then.'"

1. What can Ayn Rand teach us about romantic love?

2. How can selfishly focusing on your own happiness lead to romance?

3. How can two selfish, egoistic people actually find happiness together in a romantic relationship?

4. How can altruism destroy a romantic relationship?

5. How can romantic love be rational? Isn’t love a mysterious emotional force that can’t be understood?

6. Is being in love enough to sustain a romantic relationship?

7. What does a person's moral character have to do with love?

8. Aren’t a person’s reason and emotions often at odds with each other? How can a person make these work together to find and keep romance?

9. Why is sex so important to a fulfilling romantic relationship?

10. What causes sexual problems in a romantic relationship?

11. How can partners resolve conflicts without compromising themselves? Doesn’t compromising go against the path of selfishness you advocate in this book?

1. What can Ayn Rand teach us about romantic love?

Ayn Rand had many important insights about love, despite not having a fully developed theory of romantic love. Her most revolutionary idea is that love is based on egoism and not, as is taken as an axiom by many people, on altruism. Altruism, as we show, actually destroys love. Another revolutionary idea of Ayn Rand’s is that there is no inherent contradiction or conflict between our emotions and reason; thus love and reason can be fully integrated. And it may surprise some that we do not view love as an unconditional gift but rather as something that must be earned. This point is tied to Ayn Rand’s “trader” principle, based on the idea of trading value for value. (top)

2. How can selfishly focusing on your own happiness lead to romance?

You may have accepted the idea that love, in its purest and most exalted form, consists of sacrificing yourself to your loved one, dutifully putting your partner’s needs, welfare, wants, and values ahead of your own and giving up values that are personally important to you. But the code of sacrifice promises happiness by advocating a contradiction: the demand that one give up that which makes happiness possible. Ayn Rand says that “Love is not self-sacrifice, but the most profound assertion of your own needs and values. It is for your own happiness that you need the person you love, and that is the greatest compliment, the greatest tribute you can pay to that person.” (top)

3. How can two selfish, egoistic people actually find happiness together in a romantic relationship?

Being egoistic means that you have an ego, a self--that you are secure in your own person, that you have a firm sense of your own identity and pursue your own values. Romantic love is the most selfish of all emotions. It means that you care deeply about your partner’s welfare and happiness. Your loved one is an irreplaceable personal treasure, a mirror of yourself. Without that person there would be a huge void in your life. Love is neither sacrifice nor exploitation, and you selfishly enjoy doing things to please your partner. It’s a relationship in which both parties are happy because they both get what they want. (top)

4. How can altruism destroy a romantic relationship?

Altruists give up their values and in the process lose their sense of identity. By always putting others first and themselves last, altruists sacrifice their own happiness. Happiness is impossible to achieve under the code of altruism because happiness stems from achievement of one’s values, not from giving them up. Treating your partner and others with kindness, tenderness, consideration, and generosity does not require sacrificing your values, and is thus not altruistic. (top)

5. How can romantic love be rational?

Isn't love a mysterious emotional force that can't be understood? Romantic love is not a mystery. Emotions--including love--can feel mysterious because they happen so quickly, as automatic reactions based on your subconscious personal knowledge, values, and standards. Love is a response to subconscious estimates you make about the other person, estimates you can become aware of consciously through introspection. By focusing on and examining your emotional reactions, you can bring subconscious thoughts into awareness and can then understand them. When you know the reasons for your love, your relationship is stronger and more secure. If you don’t know why you respond to another person, you’ll feel out of control and often confused. (top)

6. Is being in love enough to sustain a romantic relationship?

No. Emotions alone are insufficient to make the thousands of decisions and guide all the actions that have to be made over many years in order to sustain a passionate, intimate romantic relationship. Love can be sustained only by the constant, active process of thinking. You must think about and plan what actions are needed to make your relationship with your partner prosper in both the short and the long run, then take the requisite action. Think of your relationship as a garden. Growing a garden isn't possible by just loving it; it has to be cultivated or the plants will slowly wither and die. Cultivating a garden is an ongoing process requiring continuous thought and action. The same is true of love and romantic relationships. (top)

7. What does a person's moral character have to do with love?

Moral character is the foundation of love and a relationship. For example, honesty is essential to a romantic relationship. But if your partner is dishonest, you cannot rely on your partner's character and your relationship will lack the trust that is so necessary to sustain it. Breaches of integrity cost us our self-respect, not to mention our romantic happiness. When you let yourself down again and again, you lose trust in yourself and others lose trust in you. As Ayn Rand wrote: "Love is the expression of one's values, the greatest reward you can earn for the moral qualities you have achieved in your character and person." (top)

8. Aren't a person's reason and emotions often at odds with each other? How can a person make these work together to find and keep romance?

When you first meet someone, your initial response to them is an intuitive, emotional one that is positive, negative, or indifferent. You need to validate or invalidate this response consciously through introspection and by getting to know the person better. The ideal goal is a harmony between your emotional response and your rational appraisal. If there is any conflict between the two, it will feel like a red flag. For instance, if you consider a potential partner to be a fine person yet feel nothing emotionally, your relationship will not work romantically. Nor will it work if you feel a strong emotional response yet conclude consciously that the person has a poor moral character or has personal values that do not complement your own. Ideally, you want a strong emotional bond that agrees fully with your rational judgement of the person. (top)

9. Why is sex so important to a fulfilling romantic relationship?

Sex is good because it is rationally pleasurable; it is part of your nature as a human being to enjoy life-affirming pleasure. Sex is an intensely selfish pleasure and is based on both a deep emotional connection with your partner and a selfish desire to give your partner equal pleasure. Romantic sex is the most intense pleasure a human being can experience, and it is your physical expression of deep attraction to what you admire and love in the character of your soul mate. Shared sexual pleasure is important because it greatly strengthens the bond between partners and expresses self-value. (top)

10. What causes sexual problems in a romantic relationship?

Emotional intimacy is the most fundamental prerequisite for sexual interest and arousal—and pleasure. Many so-called sex problems are at root actually intimacy problems. Sex is the expression of love, not its cause. Poor or unsatisfying technique may also be to blame. For example, partners must understand that for most women, sexual pleasure occurs mainly from stimulating the clitoris, not the vagina. Partners may find it helpful to ask each other after sex if they enjoyed the experience. This teaches each of you what your partner likes and dislikes so you'll know what to repeat and what to avoid to make future experiences more pleasurable. Sex must also be treated as a priority in any romantic relationship. Partners must ensure that they don't relegate sex to a spare time activity. (top)

11. How can partners resolve conflicts without compromising themselves? Doesn't compromising go against the path of selfishness you advocate in this book?

All romantic partners experience conflicts, no matter how strong their love, but there are more and less effective ways to resolve conflicts. It is important that partners resolve conflicts promptly, fairly, and respectfully. This is done first by using effective methods of conflict resolution and avoiding ineffective ones, such as personal attacks. Many conflicts can be resolved by compromise. By “compromise” we mean collaborative resolutions in which both parties get at least some part of what they want. You should only ever engage in practical compromises, such as differing opinions on vacation spots or rearranging work schedules, with your partner, never moral compromises, such as allowing dishonest or illegal behavior, accepting philosophical or cultural views that go completely against your own, or allowing your happiness and well-being to be negatively affected. (top)